


It Could Have Been Us

by hearthevoicessay



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2022, Angst, M/M, Post-Relationship, Sad, Weddings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-07
Updated: 2015-06-07
Packaged: 2018-04-03 09:13:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4095319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hearthevoicessay/pseuds/hearthevoicessay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s 2022 and Phil is getting married but Dan is not the one standing next to him at the altar.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Could Have Been Us

**Author's Note:**

> Beta by the wonderful [phangirlingforphan](http://phangirlingforphan.tumblr.com/) and [MsBrightSideSH](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MsBrightsideSH/pseuds/MsBrightsideSH).  
> Originally uploaded to tumblr on March 21st, 2015. Find the post here: [[x](http://phancywork.tumblr.com/post/114229661415/it-could-have-been-us)]

It’s a Sunday in the middle of August and it’s unbearably hot. Rationally Dan knows that high temperatures should be expected at this time of the year but right now everything is starting to feel a little overwhelming. The air is thick and heavy and the sun is relentlessly burning from the cloudless sky, making the asphalt go soft.

The heat has crept into every corner of Phil’s parents’ house, making it hard to breathe. Dan feels like he’s actually going to melt in his suit, but he doesn’t utter a single word of complaint. He’s sat on the plush couch, nervously fiddling with his phone even though he isn’t even paying attention to the screen, his look directed at Phil’s back.

Phil is standing in front of the tall mirror that’s leaning against the wall on the opposite end of the room. He’s already spent a few minutes trying to knot his tie.

Dan can feel that Phil is nervous. Even though he can’t see his hands from his position he’s pretty sure that Phil’s fingers are shaking. They’ve known each other for a very, very long time and Phil has gotten a lot better at hiding things from him, but he doesn’t always manage to deceive him and right now Dan can read him like an open book.

Dan swallows nervously before putting his phone down on the cushion next to him. It’s getting progressively harder for him to not run out of this room screaming. Every second he stays feels like it’s going to be too much. Every second he stays feels like it’s going to tear him apart. He tells himself to focus, to get a grip.

Dan wipes away the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand and gets up. He takes a couple of deep breaths and slowly walks over to Phil who still has his back turned to him and is tugging on his tie with growing frustration.

The clock on the wall is ticking away and Dan listens to it for a couple of seconds, the noise suddenly sounding loud in the otherwise complete silence of the room. He hesitates a few more moments before he closes the remaining distance between them, standing next to Phil and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Let me help you,” he says and his throat feels like someone has dragged sandpaper all over it. He’s surprised he manages to speak at all.

Phil turns towards him and Dan looks down. He’s not so sure he can bear to look into Phil’s eyes right now, so he just stares at his white shirt and at the tie that’s loosely hanging from his neck. Dan takes the material in his hands and starts knotting the tie, but his movements are agitated and he has to start over a few times.

“Why did you have to get married in August? I’m melting,” he complains and Phil chuckles in response. Dan can feel his chest vibrating under his fingers.

“Sorry.”

They’re both silent for a few moments and Dan finishes the knot and pulls it tight. He should take a step back now, but he doesn’t, his fingers still resting at Phil’s crisp shirt collar.

“Can you look at me?”

Dan shakes his head. He can’t. Not today.

“Please?” Phil asks quietly and Dan has never been able to resist him when he’s pleading like this, so he swallows and slowly lifts his head.

Phil is staring at him, wide-eyed and his eyes are blue like the sky outside and blue like forget-me-nots in the spring and blue like the shirt Phil wore when he kissed Dan for the first time.

—————————————————————————————————

They had been lying on the floor in Phil’s old bedroom in his parents’ house in Manchester and even though thirteen years have passed since then Dan still remembers everything. He still remembers that he had been talking about a video idea before the affectionate look Phil gave him made him shut up. He still remembers how much he had been shaking when Phil’s fingers found their way to his neck to draw him closer.

Phil had also been wearing blue on the day of their last kiss, six years after the first. They had been talking about renewing the lease for their London apartment for days and Dan couldn’t understand what they were even discussing, of course they would stay together. He still remembers how watery Phil’s eyes looked when he told him that and how he had broken down all of a sudden. Phil had told him that he couldn’t stand the hiding anymore, always being careful about what to say, what to do. He had cried and yelled and kissed Dan and pleaded, but Dan had been so, so scared. Scared of becoming ‘the gay guy from YouTube’, scared of losing one of the last parts of his life that were just his, scared and young and stubborn and Phil had left.

—————————————————————————————————

Dan doesn’t blame Phil for what happened, but he regrets it. Regrets not having run after Phil that night, regrets not having begged him to stay when he came to pack his things, regrets not having picked up the phone to call him until it was too late.  
She’s nice. That’s the worst part. She’s so nice. She welcomed Dan into their life with open arms once he finally realised he couldn’t live without Phil and she helped them bridge the gap that had formed between them during the years they had spent apart. She’s supportive and loving and open and everything Dan wishes he could have been for Phil.

Dan adjusts the knot in Phil’s tie one last time before withdrawing his hands but suddenly Phil’s fingers are there, grasping at Dan’s wrists, holding him so tight that Dan lets out a gasp.

Phil immediately lets go of him.

“Sorry.”

Dan’s heart is beating too fast and he thinks that maybe the heat is finally getting to his head. He should take a step back, but he doesn’t.

His eyes land on the mirror and what he sees makes his lungs feel like they are being squeezed by the hand of an invisible giant. They’re standing next to each other in their elegant, stiff suits and one single question is burning a hole in Dan’s tongue. It’s stupid and it’s ridiculous and he knows he shouldn’t ask because the answer is going to hurt, no matter what, but he’s never been known to make the best life choices.

“If I hadn’t been so stubborn and stupid and selfish, do you think,” His mouth is dry and he has to clear his throat before he can keep talking. “Do you think it could be us today?”

Phil smiles a sad, small smile.

“Maybe,” he whispers.

Dan’s hands are shaking and he doesn’t know what to do with them.

“You have to go now. I’ll be there in a second.” He’s almost impressed with himself. Two whole sentences and his voice is only trembling the tiniest bit.

Then everything happens really fast. Suddenly Phil’s hand finds its way to Dan’s cheek and everything is like it had been in their London apartment, when they were young and naive and not sure how to make rent but convinced that everything was going to be fine as long as they had each other. Phil’s fingers are warm and Dan automatically puts his hands on Phil’s hips, pulling him in.

They are so close and Dan can feel Phil’s breath coming in hot, short gasps. Phil leans forward, resting his forehead gently against Dan’s and it feels like the time they slow danced in their kitchen until the sun came up. Dan wants to kiss Phil so badly he feels like his heart is going to burst. But he can’t, so he doesn’t.

They’re standing there for what feels like an eternity, just breathing into each other and Phil’s eyes are blue like the sea and blue like a field of cornflowers and blue like the sapphire in the ring he got Dan for their fifth anniversary.

—————————————————————————————————

“Are you proposing to me?” Dan had asked, eyes fixated on the silver ring with the small blue stone embedded in the band.

Phil had laughed and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Not today, bear. But someday maybe.”

Dan had laughed too, because they were young and they had time. “Yeah, someday.”

—————————————————————————————————

It’s Phil who moves first. He slowly lets his hand fall from Dan’s cheek and takes a step back. He clears his throat and smoothes out his suit jacket, looking everywhere but at Dan.

“I didn’t mean to tell you this today,” Phil whispers in a shaky voice, his fingers balled to fists by his side. “Actually I didn’t mean to tell you this at all and I probably shouldn’t, but if I don’t it feels like lying. I’ve never stopped being in love with you, not really, you know. It’s always been there, like background noise and apparently you can love two people at the same time and maybe it could have been us today.”

His voice is getting steadier towards the end and he looks at Dan for a short moment, with eyes blue like nothing Dan could find words for in the English language. Then he turns to leave.

The door is closing loudly and Phil doesn’t hear the choked sob that escapes Dan, doesn’t hear the ticking of the clock, doesn’t hear Dan’s heart breaking once again.

His voice is still echoing in the room.

It could have been us.

**Author's Note:**

> Visit my phandom tumblr: [[x](http://phancywork.tumblr.com/)]  
> Visit my regular tumblr: [[x](http://hearthevoicessay.tumblr.com/)]


End file.
